the inspiration blog

Let’s face it: choosing to be on LinkedIn – and on many other social media platforms – means you’re going to be frequently solicited by people you don’t know well or at all. No matter how they phrase it, someone who messages you out of the blue basically is asking, “Do you want to be my client?”

It shouldn’t shock me anymore. I even recently wrote a poem about it. But I’m still stunned when someone connects with me, and the first thing they do is talk about their services, with no effort to connect otherwise. This is not only ineffective: it creates bad will with people who may otherwise actually be great clients.

And, it demonstrates a basic lack of awareness around building the “know, like, trust” factor. While it may already be obvious to you, let’s briefly describe each of these:

• Know. Potential clients need to actually know who you are. Even if you’ve been in the business for decades or make 7-8 figures doesn’t mean you’re a household name. Perhaps, if you’ve clearly niched yourself, and you connect with those in your niche, many will generally know you – but not all – so don’t assume that messaging someone out of the blue will have them assume you’re an expert worth hiring.
• Like. Sorry, but just knowing you isn’t enough – and neither is having a great offer that solves some distinct problem I may have. Most potential customers need to actually like you to hire you. And yet, trying too hard to be “likable” may trap you into acting fake.
• Trust. This is actually the hardest one: getting people to trust you enough to give you their money in exchanged for promised services. We’ll get to ways to do this below, but first it may be helpful to reflect: how do you earn people’s trust in your life? And what causes you to trust others?

While there are many ways to do this, here’s my 2 cents. I’ve been coaching public speaking for over 20 years, with a specific focus on authenticity and presence. This means I help people to show up not just with technique and skill, but also as themselves. I do this with everything from their body language to their messaging and their presentations.

Unfortunately, many approaches to both speaking as well as marketing rely on formula, which will eventually fail (see below). So what can you do instead?

Here are 7 keys to help people know, like and trust you:

1. Forgo formula. So many experts declare you have to follow their 5-step formula to get clients. That may work for a little while. But eventually, if many others follow the same approach, they’ll see what’s coming and get turned off. Sure, it can be helpful to look at the underlying principles you may have learned (e.g., follow up with them, ask questions, see if you can be of service), but templates ultimately have you sound tacky and take away your real voice.
2. Be yourself and be real. That is, act like you do with real friends. Bring out your personality. And if you’re afraid they won’t like you… well, not everyone will. And that’s okay. Why in the world would you want to do business with people who don’t? Trust that you’ll magnetize those to you with whom you resonate. And, by truly being you, you will earn more trust.
3. Connect. Please oh please, don’t start a connection by seeing if they want your services. Instead, ask your new connections about themselves. If you’re not sure what to say, ask them about what they wrote on their profile. Like, how did they get into what they do? What do they love about it? What’s hard for them? And, be vulnerable: share about who you really are; not that you have to tell them everything, but try to share a bit more than what’s “professional.” Be human! Most importantly, respond to what they say organically rather than manipulatively seeking out “pain points” to force them into your sales funnel.
4. Care. Here’s the deal: if your potential client thinks you’re just out for their money, you’ll lose most of them. If you’re looking for those “pain points” instead of realizing that people are actually suffering, or have true needs, you may want to take a long and hard look at your priorities.
5. Share. Write articles and put out videos. Give people time to know you. I can’t tell you how many clients over the years said they went to my web site multiple times, sometimes for years, before moving forward. Sure, some of them delayed because of putting off confronting their fear around public speaking (a big part of my work), but having ways to get to know me helped them know, like and trust me more. While there are other free offerings you can provide, videos as well as more informally written articles establish more of the “know” and “like” factors than a more formal report or “blueprint.”
6. Be trustworthy. Be transparent. Keep your word. Provide what you offer, and don’t exaggerate claims. And practice the other elements named above to create more trust .
7. Take your time. Sorry, but even if you have bills to pay yesterday, forcing the sales cycle (how long it takes not just your average client, but this specific person to decide to move forward) will likely backfire. So give the relationship time to grow, and think long-term: just because they don’t move forward now doesn’t mean they won’t later – especially if you treat them really well.

Finally, here’s one last tip that sums up much of the above: relax. A nonverbal signal (be it through your body language or your writing) that causes others to not trust you is to be tight or forced. Instead, relax your body, and relax your mind. Let go of what you think you have to do to get the client. Trust the process. Get to know them, and offer from your heart.

If much of the above sounds daunting, the likelihood is that you need to find your voice… not the one you think you should use to be successful. This is your authentic charisma, which will cause others to like you, to really know you (since otherwise they wouldn’t know who you are anyway), and to trust you.

To do so means you have confidence in yourself, not just in a formula you learned. And what my public speaking clients continually realize is this: when you have confidence in not just your services, but in your actual presence, you may be surprised at how easy you’ll attract those who’d love to work with you, and to make a bigger impact.

This week, Donald Trump’s wife Melania made headlines when she was caught plagiarizing a speech of Michelle Obama’s from 2008. Even though it was just a small segment from her keynote, that’s what got all of the attention. (If you haven’t seen it, check out a short video that shows Michelle and Melania side by side. Notice your reactions to their speaking styles as well – we’ll get to that in a bit.)

Regardless of your politics (although I can’t exactly say I’m a Trump fan, by any stretch of the imagination), let’s look at what this teaches us about both speechwriting and delivery.

First of all, it doesn’t matter whether the plagiarism was true or not: it completely hijacked the public’s attention away from the message she was trying to impart. So we need to be careful with how we write our talks, so that we have our audience’s eyes on the goal. (See below for more on this.)

Second, if you’ve watched the comparison video, notice who you trust more… Michelle or Melania?

Comparing their delivery styles

Michelle is relaxed and has great expressiveness; Melania is stiff and wooden, with almost no facial expressions at all. Bodily relaxation and facial expressions are key components to getting your audience to trust you; they also highly contribute to becoming more confident – because it’s hard to be nervous if you’re totally relaxed! In fact, you have to be relaxed to let your true charisma come out… and to find true presence.

You might say, “Well, Melania is from another country, so it’s expected for her to be less comfortable.” That’s possible. What I’ve found, after having worked with clients from 5 continents, is that non-native English speakers hold greater tension and have more anxiety in public speaking. However, disposition is not destiny. They can apply the exact same techniques I teach everyone else, and find relaxed confidence and presence – I’ve seen it countless times. The key is simply to commit to your training, and you’ll get there.

And that’s important. Because when you’re truly relaxed, and really connect with your audience, you’ll have their trust.

What Melania vs. Michelle implies about being original

Most people care about speaking with their true voice. And because of that, many people – especially those interested in authenticity, as you likely are – may resist elements they’ve been told to do, like employing speech structure.

It’s possible that you may feel confined by it, and “just want to express yourself authentically.” However, speechwriting – both for keynotes and if you are speaking to expose people to your services – needs structure. You need to grab attention at the beginning, have them excited throughout, and be in the palm of your hand at the end. 

Here’s the good news: there’s a difference between structure and being formulaic. If a talk is formulaic, that means it’s predictable. You’re not surprised by what they say next. Many people who’ve learned to “speak to sell” have been given fill-in-the-blank templates with verbiage that isn’t how they normally talk – and audiences who’ve seen a few speakers with the same templates verbatim can know what’s coming. That’s formula.

Good structure, on the other hand, is invisible. It’s there, but it’s organic. The audience is moved and persuaded. The speaker has written the talk using clear guidelines… and she has found room for her own voice to come out. One of my favorite sayings from my graduate theatre training was, “Structure creates freedom.” For example, working from home may sound desirable… and yet possesses challenges for many because there’s no outside structure to get anything done. With public speaking, you want some amount of structure so that you’re free to color between the lines however you like. Just make sure that there’s enough coloring space! 

What’s the big lesson here?

While it’s easy to criticize Melania and the Trump campaign, let’s remember: public speaking is an art and a science. From dynamic delivery to gaining confidence and presence (and of course writing the talk itself), it takes time to master. Many can do it half-decently, but few stand out – and those who do grab your attention have most likely had real training.

If you want to make a difference, and really claim your voice, I encourage you to embark on that path. Because the world needs what you have to say.

Here’s an interesting little story about what we take for granted: how technology transforms our lives, our mindsets, and our experiences.

When I was departing Bali in September to return to California, I saw an elderly man escorted by his younger relatives, heading into the airport – likely to meet an arriving relative. He was new to airports: in fact, I witnessed what must have been his first experience with a moving walkway. He stepped onto it with great hesitancy, and *leaped* off of it at the end.

And maybe he was the “healthier” one. We’re so technologized at this point – yes, with our smartphones, but with so many elements of technology that we don’t even think about anymore. Is this healthy? We of course gain great conveniences – but what do we lose? With this cyborgian mindset of having things done for us without even thinking? Is there an aspect of being human that gets lost?

Action: When you find ourself inconvenienced by something technological that doesn’t quite work right, try taking the very slow route – and reveling in it.

Today’s daily inspiration, admitting and declaring the truth, is unto itself quite simple – but it easily gets complicated and burdened with “add-ons” (which we’ll discuss).

Let’s begin, though with a question: do you fully, completely, speak your entire truth?

Most people (except for, say, New Yorkers) tell, well, little white lies. Sometimes we just omit a few things, like leaving out that pesky detail that might hurt someone’s feelings, or make us look bad. Perhaps we avoid confrontation altogether, so that we don’t need to say what’s really on our mind. Or we’re afraid of being judged or rejected ourselves.

When we’re not honest and direct, we divert energy away. Which means that we’re choosing to not let transformation happen. Change happens when we put the truth out there fully and completely. When we hedge around and don’t say what we really think or feel, whatever we don’t want will remain.

Part 2: What happens when we don’t tell ourselves the truth?